Cool Down: A Guide to Understanding and Managing Anger

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this is Mind Pilot.

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This is Dr. Jana Price-Sharps and I am your host.

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Thank you for joining us today

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today we're gonna talk about anger.

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Does anger come from what's going on with anger?

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Some people call anger a secondary emotion.

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I'm not sure how you would prove whether it is or isn't.

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But it sure causes a lot of grief for people.

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So we're gonna talk about some things that you can do about anger

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but also understanding why you're getting angry what's driving

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your anger and how to deal with it?

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So the first thing is to really take a step back

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and look at when does anger crop up in your life?

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Is it with people? Is it when you're driving? Is it at work? Is it at home?

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What exactly is going on when you're getting angry?

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Is it the same people over and over that you're getting angry at?

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Is it the same situations?

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I know people that just seems so mellow and happy and then they get

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in a car and they have road rage like nobody else you know?

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So obviously that is their trigger.

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I know other people they're fine until they walk into a big

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department store on a saturday and suddenly they just feel completely enraged.

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So where is it that you're getting angry? What's going on with you?

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And what are some things that you can do about it?

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But you've got to you've got to identify it first.

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As soon as you identify it then you can start putting a plan together.

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Now the other thing you need to kind of figure out

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is what is going on with you when you get angry.

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So are you tired? Did you not sleep well last night?

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Did you have a long day of work or have you been working too many days?

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Are you starting to get sick?

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Are you having nightmares? Are you getting overwhelmed with details in life?

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Are you waking up in the middle of the night and tossing and turning and

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thinking about what you need to do and when you need to do it?

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So really start thinking about what are the stressors in your life?

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What is going well and what isn't going well?

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Because that's going to give you an idea of what you

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need to start putting into place to deal with the anger.

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You know, a lot of people find that they have anger when they're exhausted.

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You know,

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they maybe haven't been sleeping well or they've

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been burning the candle at both ends.

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They're working a lot of hours and then

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they're really surprised that everything irritates them.

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Everything is going to irritate you if you're burning the candle at both ends?

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It just is so you need to think about

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what can you do differently. Is there a way to take some time off?

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Is there a way to start shortening your work days?

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You know, a lot of people now work from home, especially since Covid

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there's some great things about working from home,

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but there's some problems with working from home in

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that you never get away from your work.

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You know, people that stay at home and take care of Children find that all the time

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You never get to walk out the door and be away from work.

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And of course, the advent of the cell phone, which for many people,

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that sounds like a weird statement that I'm older

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and I didn't grow up with cell phones.

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Suddenly people can get ahold of you 24 hours a day.

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And the expectation is that you will answer them 24 hours a day.

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You know, I get emails all the time

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in the middle of the night from people and, you know,

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sometimes those people are working night shift okay,

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but sometimes those people aren't sleeping and they're answering their emails,

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you know,

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so there's kind of this expectation expectation that people

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are going to stay plugged in all the time.

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And that wears people out and when people get worn out, they get short tempered,

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they get irritable.

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And then of course that causes them more problems because if you go home

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and you end up in an argument with your significant other, then you feel crappy.

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And then sometimes people go and do things that aren't the most helpful.

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They may go drink or they may go, you know, I don't know,

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out dancing and they end up dancing with somebody

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and they make their significant other mad or,

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you know, they go and and work more hours because they're trying to avoid home.

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You know, there's all kinds of things that happen with that,

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but maybe taking that step back and going okay

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if I had a bad day at work,

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what can I do instead of just walking in and unloading on my family?

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Is there a way I can cool my system off and kind of recalibrate,

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so to speak before I walk into the house?

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And that may mean listening to comedy, it may mean, I don't know,

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going to the gym and working out, it might mean going for a walk in the park.

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It could mean,

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I don't know,

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just going someplace and listening to some happy music

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and looking at pictures on your phone of,

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of good times that you've had, you know,

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whatever your way to cool down is making sure that you're doing that.

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So your home life stays stable.

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If you're always coming home and you're angry and you're irritable,

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people are going to start avoiding you.

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Uh we have a lot of family members that tell us they're married

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to first responders or the kids are first responders and they'll say,

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yeah, we all walk on eggshells, you know, when we,

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we know when mom or dad is coming home and we're all going, oh my God,

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I hope they're in a good mood, I hope we don't kiss them off.

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I hope everything goes okay.

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And so then the first responder is wondering why the family is avoiding them

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and they're really weird around them and they feel like they're on edge around them

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and a lot of times that's why.

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So that anger management is really important.

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The other thing you might think about is where do you hold your anger?

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Um where does it show up first in your body?

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A lot of times,

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our brain doesn't even the front part of our brain

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doesn't know that we're getting angry until we're really angry.

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It's it's kind of an odd thing,

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but a lot of times our body knows way before our

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prefrontal cortex knows and so it'll show up in your body.

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Uh for instance, I hold anger in my jaw and my left shoulder, I don't know why,

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but that's just where I hold anger.

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So as soon as my jaw starts to tighten up, I know it's time to do some time and distance,

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it's time to take that break,

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step back and think about what's going on with me rather than lashing out.

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And so if my jaw tightens up, I intentionally lower my voice, I get very quiet

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because that tells my system to cool down.

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The second thing I do is I go, you know what, I'll be back in a few minutes.

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I I need to go take care of something really quickly and I'll be back, you know,

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I don't stay engaged because I know that when my jaw is tightening up,

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its telling me something is going on,

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that my system doesn't like now I understand there

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are times you can't do time and distance,

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but most of the time of family members you can

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so I have a personal rule,

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try not to say anything Janna that you're going to have to apologize later for.

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It's not that I mind apologizing,

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it's just that why say anything that is going to hurt the people that I love,

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So trying to take that step back and doing something to distract my mind,

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pulling my system off and re engaging.

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I have found to be very effective,

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but I have to know that I'm getting mad before I can take those steps.

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So again, why am I angry? What's going on with me?

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But the other thing that I asked myself is is this me,

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is this the other person or is this the event?

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So what does that mean?

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In other words, am I being irrational,

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Am I tired and grumpy and I am about ready

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to lash out about something that really doesn't matter.

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You know,

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it really doesn't matter how the washing machine

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is loaded or how the dishwasher is loaded,

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but people can get very irate if it's not loaded the way they want it, that's it,

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for instance, in other words, does this really matter?

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Or am I just grumpy and tired.

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That's the first question I asked myself, The second question is,

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is this person kind of walking over my boundaries?

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In other words,

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am I getting mad because I feel like I'm being threatened or I feel

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like I'm being attacked or I feel like this person is belittling me.

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So if if that's the case then getting mad isn't going to help that.

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I need to set boundaries with that person, I need to say to them,

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I'm sorry you're feeling that way because basically I'm saying this is your stuff,

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this isn't my stuff, but it's a very nice way of saying that

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in other words, be careful, don't take on other people's stuff.

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A lot of times people say, well you made me feel this way

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and I correct people when they will say that my wife made me feel this way.

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No, your wife did not make you feel this way. You allowed yourself to feel this way.

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Your wife may have been saying things that your husband may have been saying things,

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but you chose to jump into the middle of that fight and that chaos.

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You made the conscious decision to get angry about that. You have a choice.

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We all have a choice

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and sometimes people don't like that.

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But but when we take accountability for our own emotions, when we do that,

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we're much more likely to be able to resolve things much faster.

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So if somebody is is I don't know, crossing my boundaries,

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if I set a boundary with them, then I'm not going to get mad.

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If I say something like I hear you and I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

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But this is what I need to do or I'm sorry.

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It sounds like you're having a really rough day or

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I see that you didn't get the dishes done, but it sounds like you're really tired,

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not a problem.

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I'll go ahead and do them whatever you need to do.

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But when somebody is trying to blame you for what's going on with them,

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do not take accountability for that, that's their stuff.

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If you take accountability number one, it's going to create resentment.

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But it also keeps that person from solving their own problems.

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They need to understand that this is their problem and

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they get to be in charge of resolving it.

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So don't take on accountability.

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The third one is

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maybe it's just a bad situation and that's why I'm angry. The other person is angry.

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You know, I don't know, maybe

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I don't know there's a traffic jam

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and everybody's angry that isn't anybody's fault.

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It isn't anything that anybody can do anything about.

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So sometimes when I'm angry,

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I'll ask myself is there anything that I can do about this a lot of times?

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The answer is no, absolutely not. There's not a darn thing I can do about it.

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So why am I worried about it,

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you know? So that's another question that you can ask yourself.

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But if you find yourself being angry a lot,

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it's really important to get a handle on it.

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What's going on with? You? Don't blame everybody else.

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Come back inside and say what's going on with me?

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Am I not setting boundaries? Am I putting myself in chaotic situations?

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Am I hanging around chaotic people?

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Am I taking on responsibility for other people's chaos or are people trying to

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blame me for their bad decision making or am I working too much?

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And I'm exhausted and I'm not taking good care of myself, what is going on with me

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that I'm angry and what can I do about it?

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Not what other people can do about it,

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What can I do about it?

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Take accountability for your own life.

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Figure out the solutions you guys and gals are wonderful problem solvers,

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you just are so great at that.

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But at the end of the day

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you focus on everybody outside of you,

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come back in focus on you

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figure out how to resolve some of this,

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Figure out how to fix it.

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You have the right to a happy life, you have the right to take care of yourself.

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Thank you so much for joining us today.

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Please don't forget to subscribe,

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this is Mind Pilot and Dr. Jana Price-Sharps have a great day