Off the Clock

Introduction to Mind Pilot

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Good day. Welcome to Mindpilot. This is Dr. Jana Price Sharps. Thanks for joining us today.

The First Responder "Fixer" Mindset at Home

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Today we're going to continue our discussion about trying to fix people. That is your day job, right? As a first responder. That's what you do all day. You go out and depending on what your particular role is, you're going to go out and try and make things better in the community, stop people from doing ridiculous things or trying to put literally put out fires. And so that mindset is great. It's a great mindset. That's what you do. You're good at it. But how does that translate into relationships? And so we talked in that last podcast about doing that at home, right? You know, instead of just listening, you start telling your significant other, your spouse, how to make things better. You give them the, you know, five steps of how they're supposed to resolve this situation, whether they want your input or not. And the same goes with

Watching Friends Face Disaster

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friends. Have you ever had a friend that is just they're headed over the cliff? Whatever they're doing is going to turn out bad. You can see that it's going to turn out bad. You know it's going to be a mess. And you mention it just in passing to see how that goes. And they get very defensive. Uh so you leave it alone for a while, and their situation's still getting bad and worse. And so you drop another hint and they get defensive. What do you do? Because it's very hard to watch a friend struggle and know that they are struggling in such a way that it's going to just end up a disaster. However, if you walk up to them and say, What are you doing? This is insane. This is going to be a disaster, then they get mad at you. What do you do with that? Well, there's a couple of different things that you

Strategies for Listening and Empowering Others

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can do. First of all, you can listen. You know, that's always a good option. The problem is sometimes when you listen, it allows them to vent enough that they feel a little bit better and then they go back and stay in the situation. So there is kind of a risk with that. You can quit talking to them about the situation. That's always an option. But they may be feeling pretty overwhelmed and not understanding exactly what's going on and feeling very stuck. So that may not be a good option. There's a couple other things that sometimes can be helpful. One thing is to listen and then ask them, what are some things that you could do that, I don't know, would make this situation better for you? You know, and if they say, well, there's nothing I can do, you know, basically this is hopeless and I'm uh a victim of circumstance, so to speak, then you might say, Well, you know, have you ever known anybody else in a situation like this? I don't know. What do you what have you seen them do that worked out well for them? That's one approach. Um you can, if you've ever been in a similar situation, you can say, well, I don't know what you're gonna do, but when I was in a similar situation, this is what I did. I don't know if that's helpful, but that might be something you try. Resist the urge to say, I know exactly what you're going through, because we never know exactly what somebody else is going through, and that typically makes people mad. Resist the urge to say, well, you just need to do this. If you will do that, that you will be fine. That typically makes people mad. However, if you ask them kind of what their plan is, have they thought about different options, that kind of thing, getting them to see a way out. The brain is so interesting.

Unlocking the "Mental Jail" of Helplessness

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It puts us in jail if we allow it to. But the the crazy thing is, most of the time we have the key, and we're wandering around with this key like hanging around our neck, and we're complaining about being in jail, not realizing we have the ability to get out of jail. But we have to let ourselves out, right? We got to use that key and unlock it. And so often with the brain, it feels like there are no options. It feels like, nope, I can't do that. I am a helpless victim of my circumstances, and it's always going to be terrible, and I have no rights to be happy. I just have to live with it. I grew up with a saying, many of you may have grown up with a similar saying, something along the lines of you made your bed, now you have to lay in it. Oh, I hate that saying because really what that's saying is you have no power, right? You've made a decision, it screwed up your life, and now you have no power to fix it. You know, have no power to be happy, you know, have no power to navigate this. You just are stuck. And 99% of the time that's not true. On some occasions, maybe that's true. Maybe you committed a vile felony and you're headed to prison and you're just kind of stuck until they let you out of prison. But in general, things that people believe are keeping them stuck aren't really keeping them stuck. They are keeping themselves stuck. So the more you can empower your

Adapting Your Communication Style

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friend, and when I say empower, it means helping them to come up with solutions, talking to them about what they think might help, asking them if they've seen anybody else go through this, sharing a little bit about, you know, it was really hard for me too, but here's what I did. I don't know if that's of any help, but it might be. Approaching it that way is going to empower your friend to look for solutions, point them in a direction where they feel like there is hope and that they can get out of the mess that they're in, but also not just taking over their lives and trying to dictate what they're gonna do. Because that's the communication style you use at work, right? Do this, go over there, sit down. That's what you're used to. But it won't work with friendships and it won't work at home. So really be very mindful if you are talking to a friend about a problem, then maybe think about backing off of trying to solve it and just allowing them to talk a little bit about it and then help them make a plan if they're there and they're ready to do so. I have found that one of the greatest gifts that first responders and veterans typically have is they want to take action. They want a plan. If you're talking to a friend that's not a first responder, just be aware that they're not likely to have that same mindset. They might, but they may not. And so that may be a very foreign mindset to them. So just be aware of that as well, depending on who you're talking to. If you're talking to another first responder, they're typically going to like a plan, but help them walk beside them rather than dictate it to them. I hope this is helpful. Hopefully that will help you to help your friends. And maybe it's a way you can talk to yourself as well if you're going through a tough problem. Because remember, you're not in jail. Your may your brain is not in jail.

Conclusion: Taking Charge of Your Happiness

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You get to change your life, modify your life, modify what you're doing. You get to make that decision, but only you can make that decision. And that's true for your friend as well. Thank you for joining us. Remember, you have the right to have a good life. You have the right to happiness. You have the right to take charge of your happiness. I hope you have a wonderful day. This is Dr. Jana Price-Sharps from Mindpilot.