Navigating Grumpiness in Relationships: Strategies for Keeping the Peace

Sharps and you are listening to Mind Pilot. Thank you for joining us today. So today we're going to talk about what happens when your significant other or your spouse is grumpy.*INTRO SONG* We talked before about what happens when you're grumpy, but it's a little bit different when somebody you love is grumpy. What do you do? What often happens and this is what I've seen anyway, working with first responders is you get grumpy back. And so now both of you are bad and it's a miserable three or two or three or four days off and you spend the entire time fighting and neither of you feel like you had any time off because it was miserable. So how about we not do that? So when somebody you love is grumpy, first of all, don't assume that they're mad at you. Maybe they are, but they need to say that to you if that's what's going on with them. And so what I see a lot is the first responder will get defensive, you know, So you walk in, maybe you've been working, you walk into the house and your significant other your spouse says, I thought you were going to be home 30 minutes earlier. It figures you're always late or something snarky like that and what many of you may do is you jump right into the middle of that dance and now you say something's snarky back, like, well, you know, I have to work and not everybody just gets to stay home with the children or something, really very unhelpful and now World War three is on and you have a miserable time. So how about you not jump in the middle of it? How about you say something like, I am so sorry, sweetie. You know what? Traffic was backed up and it was crazy out there. I really. I'm. I'm so glad to get home, and I'm sorry I'm late. How was your day? How are you doing? And so take that step back and be gentle. It is amazing how often that will complete reframe the conversation and now the person is saying, Oh, my gosh, you wouldn't believe what our three year old did and the dog did this or, you know, this happened to me at work or, you know, and it gives them kind of a chance to vent and then say, what can I do to make your evening better? You know, And maybe you're tired and maybe you're, you know, coming off of a heavy shift but sometimes as a spouse or as a significant other, we need to take that step back and even if we're not feeling like it, we need to take care of the person that we love and say, Hey, how about I make dinner tonight? Or how about we order, I don't know, a pizza or Chinese food or whatever? How about we just watch a funny movie and just chill tonight? You know how about you work with that person to begin to help them change their mood around rather than jumping into the middle of it with them and that's so often what we see, because most of you are running hot, you have a lot of adrenaline in the system, a lot of cortisol in the system and so, you know, coming home and stepping inside the house and that means you need to take that step back and figure out what can you say, what can you do to de-escalate things, What can you do to help your significant other, your spouse? Don't become sarcastic because that's what you do at work. That's what you're used to doing. That's what you're good at but it's toxic at home and we're going to talk a little bit about that when we talk about communication in another podcast. But it also may mean that if you're running too hot and you're too irritated, maybe you need to go take a shower. Maybe you need to say, you know what, I'm going to go feed the dogs and if you need me to do anything in here, I'm happy to do that. You know, memorize some statements. So that when you're irritated, you don't make those comments. You have other things that you can say instead, something like, I'm sorry, you had a hard day. Let me know what I can do to help memorize that, right? So that when you're irritated, it automatically comes out because otherwise, if you wait until you're irritated, the wrong thing is going to come out and then it's going to be terrible. So, you know, really think about what can I do? And if you need some time and distance, because time and distance is always your friend. Hey, time and distance means you go feed the dog. It means you. I don't know. Take the kids to the park. It means walking around the block. It means offering to go to the grocery store. You know, whatever you need to do to get yourself cool down and kind of re centered, recalibrated. Do that. If you're about ready to join in that dance, don't join the dance because here's what happens with most couples. They get into a routine of negative behavior. So this person says this. This person says that, and pretty soon they're doing the same old dance that they've been doing for years and it can be very toxic. So you have to break out- You have to break up that dance. You have to say, no, I'm not joining and this is what I'm going to say instead, and this is what I'm going to do instead and maybe, just maybe, that's a conversation that you have with your significant other before they're grumpy. So you don't wait until the last minute. Again, you're good planners. This is what you do for a living. Sit down with your significant other, your spouse, and say, you know, I've been thinking and we both have tough jobs, whatever their job is and sometimes I come home and I'm grumpy and this is my plan. What do you think of that? And then you say, and sometimes I come home and you've had a bad day. What could I do that would be helpful? Make the plan, figure out what you can do that is going to make the evening a little bit better. Maybe that person says to you, You know what? When I'm grumpy, could you just take the kids to the park and give me like a 30 or 45 minute break so that I can kind of decompress for a few minutes? Okay, Yeah, I can do that or could you just cook dinner? All right or if you're a bad cook, maybe you order dinner. I don't know but, you know, make a plan together so that the other person knows kind of what that plan is going to look like as well. Because I do know one thing, people in relationships get very weirded out when suddenly their spouse does something different. You know, I've worked with many, many guys over the years, hundreds literally and I'll say, well, maybe you texture your wife or your significant other and say, Hey, I love you. I hope you're having a good day and then they go home and she says, Are you having an affair? Because they've never done that before and so you kind of need to let them know what you're doing and what you're working on. But the more you can plan it together, the more successful you're going to be and that sometimes means being quiet and listening to what they have to say rather than telling them what's going to be helpful for them. Because you may not know. I know you may know this person for a long time, but you don't always know what would be helpful. So just sit back and listen, say what would be helpful, tell me and then just listen and then make a plan. So but don't jump into the middle of it. Take that step back, Do some time of distance if you need to, but your life will go much better and your spouse, your significant other will be much happier if you stay out of that old toxic dance. I hope this was helpful. I hope you have a wonderful day. Please don't forget to subscribe to Mind Pilot, this is Dr. Jana Price-Sharps and have a great day.